Wrinkles

Photo by Will Rochfort

I've come to realize that i'm not what i used to be when it comes to skiing. A flat brimmed ball cap hides my thinning hair. Creases, at the corners of my eyes, from years of smiling, peak out slightly from the edges of my large rectangle sunglasses. Something in me changed a year or so ago. I don't need to go fast anymore. I don't need to scare myself. I don't need to push the limits. I just want to be adventuring with my friends. I don't want to impress them. I want to connect with them. I want to share this passion for nature with them. I find that the people i bond with the most understand this passion, this need to be close to the ocean and engulfed by the mountains.

BTS follow cam with Andrew Bydlon. Photo by Wes Rochfort

Recently, i went on a shoot with Eider in Colorado and it was not the easiest day for me to say the least. My equipment was failing me and a group of us was relegated to the lower mountain groomers because of it. The mountains had just received a little refresh though, and my equipment problems didn't stop us from shredding together. That's what i enjoy. I used to relish in skiing out front, leading the way, being the first one down and bask in the glory of the ensuing compliments. Now, i like skiing behind or next to someone, choreographing what seems to be an orchestrated symphony, drawing on a soft white canvas, feeling together, not set apart. Togetherness: that's what this sport has become to me and this day on the mountain embodied that. And look at our sweet Eider gear!

Going over the images with Andrew Bydlon. Photo by Will Rochfort

Photo by Will Rochfort

Choreographing with Anton and Maro. Photo by Wes Rochfort

Smile wrinkles. Photo by Wes Rochfort

Mammoth

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Sometimes, i feel as if i am schizophrenic, a conflicting dichotomy sitting down for tea, in my mind. I long for companionship, but am fueled by solitude. I crave intimacy, but fight to be alone. 

Rocket Man

We tend to give that word such a negative twist, but i relish in it. I've gotten used to the lonely drive, along the Eastern Sierras, to Mammoth. That all too familiar sense of nostalgia creeping in, making way for old memories of being alone on the road flow over the horizon as i inch towards it, even though i'm blasting through the high desert at 78mph, just fast enough not to get a ticket. A song reminds me of a solo drive from the past. I sip my coffee and sigh, soaking in the fond memories of it. On the road, like this, its a good thing. I look at the empty seat next to me, wishing an adventure loving comrade sat there, playing with her hair and the playlist she's concocted for us, all the while offering stimulating views of the world with a voice thats music to my ears. At the same time, i look at that same empty seat and the empty road and relish in a deep seeded sense of pride and accomplishment, that i am a world traveler, an adventurer, and i do it all on my own.

When i arrive in Mammoth, all my grand plans of drinking beers all night with old friends fall through and i end up watching football by myself in my hotel room. I eat a Subway sandwich because i just want to eat quick and go to bed, my big outing for the night, and fall asleep focusing my designs on exercising my rusty "ski legs" in the morning.

Adventures are better with friends

The next day, I roll into the marketing office at Mammoth Mountain for a meeting, feeling good that i'm skiing, but feeling a little low, the good loneliness eventually giving way, just a little bit, to the longing for companionship. As i'm feeling like this, they slide a contract in front of me and i almost well up in tears. They want me to be an ambassador, to represent the mountain in a positive way, and make it official. They want to pull me into the family! How validating to have someone believe in me, in my value, and want to invest in me! This is why family is so important. I'm not that close with mine, so group bonding means all the world to me. Its funny how our psyche works too. The day before, i skied like crap, falling over, rusty, frustrated, embarrassed. After signing that contract, i skied hard, rocketing down the mountain slicing through the snow with precision and speed, projecting into the fall line with confidence. All it took was someone investing in me. Thank you, Mammoth!!!

I'm Home

The Ocean is my muse. I'm at home with her and she whispers sweet creativity in my ear. When i'm away, i'm not myself and just cannot seem to find the motivation to write. The struggle has been to find balance in those times.  I sleep in, not wanting to get out of bed. I avoid grocery shopping and don't eat as well as i'd like. Every effort seems minimized, but now that i'm back, finally healed from the foot infection in Hawaii last summer, i have a renewed energy. I've been on a few adventures since then and am going to share them with you over the next few weeks. It's been over four months and multiple surgeries, but the fight is won. The Ocean wraps her everlasting and loving arms around me. I'm home.

Photo by Ryan Abribat